Signs Of The Times
I saw a billboard for Abercombie and Fitch the other day. It was one of those moving billboards. I don’t mean one of those kind that changes pictures. I don’t mean one of those that spins around, either. It was a woman’s ass.
She was wearing exercise pants with the word “Abercrombie” stitched across her ass. This was a lady of a certain amount of heft. She didn’t simply have “junk in her trunk.” She had a whole flea market in a U-Haul. There was so much strain on the logo that it looked like “Abercrrrooooooommmmmmbie.”
What is it with clothes with words written on your ass? Granted the world is more and more label conscious, but do you have to plaster it across your rump? Nobody likes looking at asses more than me. You may think you do, but you can’t possibly be more addicted to the sight of luscious meaty gluteal orbs than me. You can’t. Trust me. I’m Whitney Houston and butts are crack. I don’t want to see a hot ass all cluttered up with words. There’s already enough filthy words running through my mind when I see a great set of butt cakes. I don’t give a shit what brand they are.
Where is the practicality in having stuff written on your butt? Sure, it’s fine if you are on your feet the entire day, but eventually you will have to sit down. And it won’t always be in a chair…or a clean chair, for that matter. What gets dirty the easiest on a pair of pants? I want to say the seat, but in reality that’s the third place most likely to get dirty, after the ends of the legs and the knees (a guy with dirty knees is one of my favorite kinds of guys. 
)
And what about when the rear starts getting worn out? If they’re printed on, the middle letters are going to start rubbing off before the ones out toward the hips. If embroidered, a thread may break and a letter starts unravelling. If sewn on, one may start to dangle and fall off, leaving you with a partially-spelled posterior. You’ll be sorry the day you find yourself in line at Wal-Mart and a couple of kids are playing hangman or “Wheel of Fortune” using your ass. “I’d like to buy a vowel, please.”
If you have a head-turning rump, we rangers beg you to not use it as a billboard. Billboards are flat. Great asses are not. And if your ass is flat enough to be a billboard, do you really want to call attention to it with 3-inch high letters?
Now before I get slammed, understand that I am not making fun of the fat-assed nor the no-assed. I’ll be the first to say that I, myself, am gluteal-challenged in some ways and do not claim to be among the leagues of the pretty-tushed. I know where I’m lacking, and I see no reason to point it out to everyone else. Plus, if Abercrombie & Fitch wants to hire space on my backside, they should be paying me, not insisting I drop a Benjamin on some low-rider sleep pants. Americans, stop the madness. Take back your booties!
June 24th, 2005 at 6:25 am
Letters on butt ? Hmm, reminds me of a joke… Its about a young lady, whose boyfriend is fond of Brigitte Bardot (long time ago french sex symbol :p ). So she decides to get the initials tattooed on each buttock (BB). She comes back home, like “honey, i got a surprise for you!” and undresses totally, shows her backside to her beloved. Then he says “who’s that BoB anyway ??”… (i guess it looked more like B*B tho… :p).
hehe.
June 24th, 2005 at 10:48 am
I always felt that anytime they put a label in a visible place, they should pay me an advertising charge. I mean come on, it is free advertisement. The same with a car. I don’t get paying $1,000’s of dollars for a car for the car company to put a huge ass sticker saying it was bought at “Frank’s Auto Store” or something.
June 24th, 2005 at 4:15 pm
how about geezers who wear chaps with no pants? it’s like looking at donald rumsfeld nude. BAD imagery. …or how about saggy, stick-bicep’d guys who insist on wearing muscle shirts. … with arm bands that cause that ugly loose skin bulge over and underneath the band? …or heifferwomen who insist on wearing leotards, showcasing their enormous, rippling cans. it’s like stuffing 100 lbs of crap in a 50 lb bag. sorry. i’m pissy today. Karl Rove pisses me off.
June 24th, 2005 at 8:25 pm
Whatever. I like the pic anyway.
June 25th, 2005 at 12:54 pm
Funny, I’ve actually seen Rock City…on Mother’s Day. It was quite nice. I enjoyed it very much. However, I seriously doubt I would have been more inclined to go had I see this butt walking around with a “See Rock City” logo on it. In fact, we went because we saw it written on a barn on the way to Chattanooga.
I personally hated when women started wearing words on their butts. Like I don’t have enough to worry about before I walk out the door, but I have to check and make sure my ass isn’t talking shit about me? Pu-leez…Let’s get over this, and quickly.
June 25th, 2005 at 3:40 pm
I have to agree with Tony, billboards should be flat! If a company wants their name on my ass they had better show me the money. About the only way that will happen is if I work for the company and it is part of the uniform (then they are showing me the money for it). It is as if these companies don’t get enough advertising they have to have their names on us as well as taking our money for their products.
June 26th, 2005 at 12:04 pm
Wow. That is some ass.
June 27th, 2005 at 4:09 am
I totally don’t get the point of writing on the butt of underwear… I thought that was a fad of the 80s… hmmm I guess some people are still stuck in a time warp…
June 28th, 2005 at 2:59 pm
I’ve actually seen Rock City it’s not that round and firm or gave me a sudden craving to lick sweaty man crack.