I’m Still Here
Some of you have been wondering where I am. I’m still here. I took a little cyber-break. Not on purpose. It just turned out that way. It’s been more than two weeks since I last posted in my blog, but I’m still here. Some of you thought I had given up blogging. Some of you thought something had happened to me, and some of you figured it was blogger’s block. (Thanks Brian, Spankey, David, Doug, Nicky, Garnet, and Zeke for checking in on me. And anyone else, who thought about me.)
No, the ol’ blog has not gone to the blog other world just yet. I’ve only been at this since last September. I have been known to have a great deal of stamina and endurance. And nothing has happened to me except just putting in a lot of hours at work and being dog tired. I’ve sat down at the keyboard with the intention of writing several times in the last 16 days and found myself staring at a blank screen and about to nod off. My immediate assumption was that it was, indeed, blogger’s block. But stepping back and looking at the situation, I realized that I just had nothing to say.
You see, I am the type of person who, if I don’t have anything to say, I don’t say anything. I keep my mouth shut. There’s plenty of others who want to talk, so why should I babble on about nothing? I’ve been at this for a little over 9 months now. That’s more than 270 days to post, yet I’m still three posts shy of even hitting a hundred.
And for me, my blog is for talking about things that are on my mind, and getting them out. When I started blogging back in September, I really was very reluctant. RJ and Mark both kept telling me to give it a whirl. I had not read a lot of blogs at the time and I thought they were basically online diaries where people wrote about what happened to them that day. For some bloggers that’s what their blog is. But, for me, it’s something different. I wasn’t interested in droning on about the mundane things in my “oh, so, fascinating” life…and I was sure that no one else would interested in reading it. Trust me, folks, you would quickly get tired of surfing in each day to read that I had oatmeal for breakfast….again.
I wasn’t too convinced that, even if I could come up with something interesting, people would care to read it. Folks were seeking me out on the net to see my dick. They wanted a log, not a blog. I guess I could have let my cock write the blog, but you’d just as easily get tired of surfing in each day to reead that “Tony beat me before breakfast…again.”
But it turns out that a fair number of you do enjoy reading the stuff that rolls around in my jug head. And that just may have played a role in my recent absence. I think that, deep down, I got a little scared of writing.
All through the month of May, I noticed more and more people were reading my blog. Very cool. And I was getting an increase in comments left, and a whole lot of e-mail about the blog. Very cool, too. Then Best Gay Blogs picked my blog one day. Even cooler. Instead of the usual “you have a big dick” e-mails (which I am fine with), I’m getting “you are funny and write well” e-mails. (Well, I’m still getting the big dick e-mails, too, but the “good blog” e-mails are starting to catch up.) I had always assumed that only a few dozen people were reading, so I just wrote what comes out of my head as quickly as I can type it (which isn’t very quick). But my last post (about the MENagerie Underwear) got more comments than any previous, and the e-mail was huge.
That’s when things really started to dawn on me: Oh my, God. People are really reading this shit…and liking it. They think I’m funny? They think my posts are touching?? They think I write well???
You’d think that would make me plop down and write more and more, right? Oh, no…that would be the reaction of a secure, confident person. But me? I think I got a little freaked.
I think I was afraid to post anything for fear that it would not be perceived to be as good as what some of the other posts were. I think subconsciously I was feeling pressure and was having performance anxiety….The next post would have to be funnier….Every post would have to be better written, funny like never before. ..It would have to make linebackers weep. How can I pull this off everyday?? I can’t do it. Nobody can…wait a minute…yeah, that’s right…nobody can. So why should I try? I shouldn’t try. I should just write.
I’ve had a couple of blogging buddies that became concerned, at times, about whether their blogs were interesting or whether people would like what they are writing,. I always told them that, in my opinion, one’s blog is personal expression and serves that purpose over pleasing an audience. I need to take my own advice.
Yes, I want people to read what I have to say (or else, I would hide the URL), and, yes, I want them to enjoy it…and I like it when they tell me, if they do. But, ultimately, I need to focus on what I want or need to express. It eases the things on my mind, and maybe even gives me a different perspective, clears my mind. Like now.
After all, that’s why I blog…why I will continue, and why I’m still here.
June 20th, 2005 at 5:47 am
Good to see you back, Tony. I was missing your words.
June 20th, 2005 at 8:15 am
I guess the break did you some good. I for one am glad you’re back.
“The stuff that rolls around in my jug head” is the stuff that rolls around in mine and probably everyone else’s too. You happen to put it in a blog for all of us to experience together. If it happens to be funny or touching that’s great but that’s not why I’m here. I just like to hear what you have to say and I happen to enjoy how you say it. Hope you keep it up (I probably should have said hope you keep writting).
June 20th, 2005 at 2:05 pm
Welcome back, Tony. I’m glad to hear that you are enjoying your summer, or at least the sun. Like many others, I enjoy your blog. Of course there are going to be people who don’t. To them I say, keep looking. There are other blogs out there that you might like better. Personally, I write my blog for my family and friends back home in Rhode Island to keep track of me. Since I seem to have a ton of drama, it’s hard to always call them and tell them. Keep doing what you are doing. I enjoy it, and lots of other people do too. =)
June 20th, 2005 at 6:51 pm
Bitch , please. Yo’ be the best blogger with the big dick I read. Stop underestimating yo’ writes.
June 20th, 2005 at 7:59 pm
Finally! I thought something had happened to Granny or something! Good God, dude… let us know what’s up next time! Just tell us “I need a break” or something… I was worried about the two of you.
I know it’s kinda freaky to discover you’re not just wanted for your “hang” but you’re a really sweet, kind, level headed guy (or you put on a damn good show when you post your blog… which I sincerely doubt). You write well and with a good bit of humor. I think you’ve missed your calling… painting houses is wasting your writing talent. You have wit… I’m gonna stop giving you a “big head” now with all these compliments and just end this by saying: It’s good to have you back!
;-P
June 20th, 2005 at 10:17 pm
Glad you’re back, T.
June 21st, 2005 at 9:58 am
Yeah you are back. I’m so happy. You were missed.
And I love reading your thoughts, but now if you want to post about beating your cock before breakfast, I won’t stop you. That’s up to you. I’ll still faithfully read it (maybe will less clothes on though).
June 21st, 2005 at 3:02 pm
Every writer gets writers block and they always write that the more well received their work is the more paralyzed they are and that staring at the blank page (or screen) freaks them out. Updike at a lecture I went to said the key is to just write (he said every day) just like brushing your teeth and never worry about the content, thats for rewrites and editing. Just get it out and stay disciplined he said. And also remember we all find you totally cool and want to read your blog no matter if the entry is brilliant or not, its still like a cool letter from a friend.
June 21st, 2005 at 7:44 pm
A few years back, when talking with my Dad, he told me that people liked me because I spoke freely. I had said something, when home for a visit, about how I got along with most people and did not understand why people seemed to want to hear what I had to say on things.
NC here, right next door and I enjoy your blogs for that reason. You say what most guys “like us” think and you speak freely.
I also have a big hang, although not as lucky as you and I enjoy looking at your pics also. I have had a lot of fun with you all by myself!
Anyway, I hope you just keep speaking freely and keep up the good work.
June 21st, 2005 at 8:50 pm
Like the others, I really enjoy reading your blog. You have a variety of topics, and can tell a good story. I’ve told you before, and it’s still true, you have a way with words. I’ve always wondered just how you are in real life…hopefully exactly how you come across in your blogs…I’d definately like to meet you in person sometime…intelligent, down-to-earth, and great looking!!! Man, you have it all….
June 21st, 2005 at 11:10 pm
most of us started reading because of the big weenie. we stay because you are such a sweet & handsome fella w/a sharp mind.
blog about whatever makes you happy. don’t do it for us.
June 22nd, 2005 at 8:12 pm
Heheh well, I have to say that I had no idea you had a big dick when I started reading.. I was more attracted to the handsome face and was hoping that there was an incredible mind behind the sultry eyes.. and boy, was I right!! I love reading your blog bro… Your writing is always so insightful and thought-provoking in a way. But hey, don’t worry about trying to please us. Hell, most of my posts never get a response because either it just bores the hell out of some, or it’s just too complex for them to digest.. but, I like to get it out there and out of my brain =). Maybe that’s the teacher/professor growing in me.. hehehe..
Anyway, keep it coming sexy!! I’m glad to see you’re back.. I’ve been wondering what happened to you…. heheh then again, I’m still trying to catch up with reading blogs since I’ve been working so much lately ;).
June 22nd, 2005 at 11:25 pm
good to have you back. glad you’re ok. i have to remind myself often thant my blog is for me to express myself, not be famous.
May 20th, 2006 at 6:36 am
IT’S NICE TO KNOW YOU PUT THOUGHT INTO YOUR BLOG AND IT SHOWS, DONT STOP…I REALLY ENJOY YOUR POSTS