LARGETONY Blog

I did a post a while back called Beauty Quest where I mentioned how I could get rich developing a role-playing video game for gay men. Well, while I can now resize and post pictures in my blog without RJ’s help, I am still far from being a software developer. But, no worries. I have come up with a new idea. I’m going to become a men’s underwear designer.It’s a much bigger market than queer video games. Every man, gay or straight needs underwear. Even guys who generally go commando need at least one pair of underwear. I mean, you’re not going to free-ball in, say, a rented tux. Are you? If you do, don’t come running to me for Gold Bond powder when you can’t stop scratching.

To get rich, I have to find a niche that Mr. Klein, Mr. Hanes, and Mr. O’the Loom have yet to exploit….and I have. What’s going to be so special about my underwear? It’s gonna fit.

Let’s start with the premise that (T-shirts and boxer shorts aside) men’s underwear is meant to conform to the body,so that you can wear it under clothes. Right? Well, every man’s body is different. Right? Then, their underwear should be, too. Right? Granted, the underwear out there already accounts for different waist sizes and different body types (through styles like briefs, boxer briefs, bikinis, etc.) But that doesn’t mean they’re going to fit.

I, myself, tend to prefer boxer briefs because since they are stretchy, they offer a good balance of room and support. I’ll wear boxers if I’m just hanging around the house. There’s plenty of room, but everything is all swinging and banging around, and it’s always inevitable that one of the twins gets trapped in a bad place. I don’t want to be out in public when I’m having to dig Timmy out of the well. Bikinis and thongs? I can’t go there. May as well go commando. I’m gonna end up that way anyway.

But briefs…the famed tighty-whiteys? That’s where things get problematic. If I get a pair small enough to fit my waist (30) then my junk gets all mashed up and I look like a Ken doll with a hernia. If I go up to a medium, I no longer have a strangle hold on on my basket, but then I find myself without enough booty to fill the seat. There’s just enough extra fabric back there to sag as if I have dropped a small load in my drawers.

What I need…and I’m sure many other guys need…is undewear that is sized according to multiple body parts. Like a woman’s bra. Two different women with a size 32 chest are not going to necessarily buy the same bra. One may need a “B” cup, one may need a double “D”. So why shouldn’t men have it the same?

Since you can’t try underwear on before you buy, shouldn’t there be a system to that can help us judge better how it’s gonna fit. I have devised such a system. My new line of man drawers will have a three part formula for the perfect fit. There would be a numerical figure for the waist (an actual number, not S-M-L); an alphabetical figure for the cup…er, pouch; and then a butt option of “flat”, “average”, “full”, “bubble”, or “fat-ass” (in ascending order). For example, I might be a a 30-D/average (small waist, average butt, ample cock room).

There is one big flaw in my plan (and perhaps the reason that no one ever tried it before). The whole system relies on men not exaggerating their pouch measurement and being realistic about their Ass-essment. I can see it now. Guys too embarrassed to plop down a three-pack of “A” pouchers on the check-out counter in front of the judgemental retail queen who is working the register. Or the reverse: the retail/ size queen who is covertly jotting down the name and phone number of the “EE” pouchers before dropping the check in the cash drawer.

It brings to mind the time in 6th grade gym when we were issued jock straps. This was the first time many of us ever wore one. Consequently, there was one kid who didn’t realize that the jock size referred to the waist. When we all had to call out our sizes to the coach for distribution, this kid, who probably didn’t even have a 24 inch waist, yelled out a swaggering, “Yeah, Coach, I’m gonna need a large.” (FYI, even if it had been a pouch size, he wouldn’t have needed a large.)

Maybe instead of number and letter sizes, to ease the minds of the self-conscious, there could be sort of a picture tag system. Sort of a twist on Garanimals. Like if you have a big ol’ butt but a thick horn up front, you’d pick up the briefs with the Rhino on the tag. Got a muscle ass and need some room to stow the forward cargo? You get the Pony. No ass at all, but seemingly endless length? The Giraffe’s are on the high shelf. Regular briefs fit perfect, except no place to store all those nuts? Hello, Mr. Squirrel. There could even be the briefs with the Turtle tag, designed for those of you who are growers and not show-ers.

Naturally gay men will be the leaders of this new fashion trend. The animal tag will become the new hanky code. Therefore, the tags will be designed to have snap lock that you can reattach to your belt loop, or wear on a lanyard around your neck. Dance clubs all over the country will be filled with men dancing and gyrating with their tags bouncing and advertising their special fit (or special requirements for that matter. Tag on the right means you are that animal. Tag on the left means you’re seeking that animal. Just be wary of the guy who’s got a whole zoo hanging from his jeans. He may be easy.) Profiles on internet dating sites will change the waist size field to include the tag animal. For example, “fzzytop4boi’s” profile will state “5′-11″, 180 lbs., 36 rhino”. Personal ads will be found stating: “Horny white Gazelle seeks latino Panther for hot action. No Wildebeasts or Hippos.” For this reason, there will be no Pig tag in the line. Pig in personal ads has a meaning all its own!

Eventually my line of underwear will cross over to metro-sexuals, then college boys, and finally the masses. Especially since my fashion shows will require the use of real body types on the runway instead of willowy pouty-lipped supermodels. Actually, there would be a place for some of them, too. Somebody has to model the Mosquito briefs (Have you seen these guys on TV? I swear they must have to tape it down backstage or something. I have heard of flat-front pants. But flat-front underwear?). And the beauty of it all is that I will have customers for life. As your body changes, then so will your tag. You may start out a Giraffe, but after hitting the gym for a few weeks and building those glutes, you may need to switch to the Pony. The possibilities are limitless. An endless menagerie of undies.

Maybe that’s what I’ll call the company…MENagerie. “Underwear for the beast in you!”

Now, if I only knew how to sew.

This entry was posted on Saturday, June 4th, 2005 at 10:29 am and is filed under humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.