LARGETONY Blog

Okay….everybody is all upset about Paris Hilton washing a luxury car in a bikini in order to sell a cheeseburger. They are calling it soft core porn. I just call it silly. Saavy advertising, but silly. It’s saavy because obviously Carl’s Jr. knows that no one likes great big fat hamburgers more than young guys (I’m one of them), who are the very same people who like to see the object of their desire in wet clothes and soap suds (I’m one of them too.) If that same object is wet and eating a burger…well, it’s money, baby!

Now why do I think it’s silly? Mostly because it’s Paris Hilton and cheeseburgers. I know celebrities ae always endorsing products they probably don’t actually use . But shouldn’t it be at least conceivable that they might use them (beyond the year’s supply of the product they get for doing the commercial…which they probably give away to their help.) I mean I pretty damned sure that Elaine from “Seinfeld” is not actually using a $5 box of drug store hair color. But she has nice hair, so you at least buy into it.

But Paris Hilton and cheesburgers? HUGE cheesburgers? Not believing it. Look at her body. She’s not putting stuff like that in it. Even if she does partake of a good greasy burger now and then, she can’t handle something that big. Her tiny stomach would bloat from anything bigger than a mini-muffin. A burger that like that would make a big sturdy boy like me feel full. In her it would be like when a snake eats a rabbit or something. You can see the big lump in its belly. Maybe that Paris’ secret. She doesn’t binge and purge like other supermodels and actresses. She just eats a big fat burger once a month and slowly digests it over a few weeks.

Ironically, all the attention that’s being given to the commercial by people who don’t want it to be seen is causing it to be seen by more people than it would have in the first place. Just like Janet Jackson’s Superbowl “clothing malfunction,” it’s news. Big news. Every news and TV magazine show is talking about it. Naturally they have to do their duty and show the public just what’s causing all the ruckus, right? Of course, they are responsible media outlets and make sure to run warnings before airing the commerical footage. Oh, sure, that always makes people look away, doesn’t it? Tell a teenager he can’t have a party while you’re away, and there’s a 75% chance that you’ll come home to a police report and cheetos ground into your carpet.

I have even seen the commerical and we don’t have Carl’s Jr. around here. In this part of the country, it’s called Hardee’s and I read that they are not supposed to start airing the spot until June. Seeing it on the news only tempted me to look elsewhere and I saw the commerical on the internet. Apparantly so did so many other people that it crashed the Paris Hilton website last Friday. Yep. the activists did a good job up keep this away from the good and decent American public.

But, seeing the commercial actually has inspired me. Not to buy Hardee’s burgers, but to wash my truck. I’m off for Memorial Day and was actually hoping it would rain just a little bit so that I would not have to wash my truck. I hate washing the truck so I usually just drive it through one of those automatic places, but now I feel it needs a better job than that, so I’m going to it by hand. Maybe that’s the real message Paris is sending: Wash Your Car.

I think I will reward myself afterwards with a good burger though. Like I said, I love burgers. If I’m not wet and lathered enough from the car wash, a really good burger will almost do the trick for me. You know what I mean:

It’s so big…meaty…and heavy. A fist full of beef. Thick and loaded. Put it in your mouth. Open wide. No wider. Take it all in. That’s it. Wrap your mouth around it. Easy now. Not too much at once, or you’ll choke. Like that saltiness on your tongue? The spicy flavor? Feel the juices run into the corners of your mouth and down your chin. Now swallow. Fill your belly full. Mmmmmm. That’s hot!

This entry was posted on Monday, May 30th, 2005 at 12:20 pm and is filed under humor, observations. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.