All You Need Is Love
Over the weekend I drove by several churches that were holding weddings. They were either just getting out, or posing for what was probably the seventy-eigth or ninth picture. Squeaky clean couples and gushing families. An endless parade of men and wives being given the blessings of older generations of men and wives. Moms and Dads. Grandmothers and Grandfathers. Uncles and Aunts. No Moms and “life-partners.” No Grandfathers and “traveling companions.” No men and husbands. No women and wives.
But then, this is East Tennessee. You’d have to go somewhere else for that. Like Massachusetts. This past week also marked the first anniversary of gay and lesbian marriages in Massachusetts. According to the news, many couples who got hitched last year are renewing their vows in honor of the occasion. Seems a little soon to me. I mean, it’s a marriage, not a subscription to Newsweek. But, I guess people need to mark milestones in some way, so what the hell. Maybe it seems peculiar to me because here are guys and guys, and gals and gals, tying the knot for the second time, when I don’t know that I could even do it in the first place.
I admit I am a bit conflicted about gay marriage. On the one hand I think anybody should have the right the marry anybody they want (as long as it is a human being). I think those rights should be fully exercised, with no lip from anybody on the outside. But I’m not sure that exercising those rights is right for me. It’s great for everyone else. Have your mult-tiered cakes, designer bouquets, and white doves. I’ll even be there to cheer you on and pelt you with rice. But if you keep checking your mailbox for for that embossed card that reads…
Mr. Anthony White and Mr. (insert name) request the honor of your presence at their forth-coming nuptials…
…well, you’re just gonna find cobwebs. And, perhaps a cricket.
It’s marriage in general that I am uneasy with. Not gay marriage. But since I am gay, a gay marriage is the only kind I’m likely to enter into…as unlikely as it is.
Yes, I want to come home and start dinner for someone, so he arrives from work to find the air filld with the rich aroma of comfort food. (Or vice-versa. I just happen to like to cook). I want some one to help stack wood in the fall. (I like to chop, but hate to stack). I want someone to wash my back in the shower (then reach around and soap my chest and torso as he kisses down my back…then kneels down behind me…spreads my chee– But I digress.) Back on topic: I want someone to laugh with; to kick up gravel in the truck on a dirt road with; to wear orange and white on Saturday afternoons with; to have sex so powerful that you think the elements have collided with. But do I want to marry him?
I want someone to wrap myself around as we fall asleep each night. But I want the bed all to myself in that last fifteen or twenty minutes when you want to stay under the covers in the morning. I want someone to lay his head on my chest while we lay on the sofa watching TV. But I want to watch what I want to watch.
I sould like a selfish bastard, don’t I? Yeah. I want to have my wedding cake and eat it, too. I guess I’m a little selfish because I have lived basically on my own (Granny aside) for about ten years. RJ says that all that will change when I meet “the one.” That when it’s someone special, you make all kinds of adjustments and compromises. I guess that’s true. Granny is pretty special (a different kind of love, but just as strong) and I have certainly had to make some adjustments for her. And I basically made them without a second thought. So, I guess I would do the same for that “someone.”
And I do want that “someone.” I do. For better or worse. For richer or poorer. In sickness and health. Foresaking all others. ‘Til death do us part. I do. I really do. I just don’t want to make a big deal about it.
I guess that’s the real issue. I don’t have a problem with marriage. It’s the weddings. Or more specifically, my wedding (just the sound of that makes me shiver). Maybe it’s that I don’t like having a ton of people watch and listen to me say sweet things to the one I love. Maybe it’s that I just don’t want the stress of some big event. Maybe I’m just embarrassed that I can’t wear white. 
Whatever it is, I’m just as content to have a situation where after many years of being together, when someone says to us, “Hey are you guys married?” we look at each other and realize, “Hmmm. I guess we are.”
May 24th, 2005 at 4:15 pm
I couldn’t agree more. I don’t know when weddings became this humongous (sp?) ocassion, maybe since the beginning of time but they just keep getting BIGGER. If I find the person I want to spend the rest of my life with I trust I’ll know it and it will be just between us. Hopefully the world will wish us well but that’s not what it’s about to me.
Hope you know it when you find him.
May 24th, 2005 at 6:32 pm
I agree, too. Having already experienced the full life-cycle of a committed relationship, I know that a marriage wasn’t really necessary. Though admittedly, a governmentally recognized legal document would certainly make life easier for gay couples. We shouldn’t have to haul around a file cabinet to ensure that all of our documentation is in order in the event of some type of tragedy.
Ultimately, it is we, who determine if we’re married, and how others view us too. When I lost my spouse the greatest affirmation came from my father. An Archie Bunker clone who makes every thought known, yet plays his emotional cards close to his chest. At the memorial service I was too numb to feel much of anything, but I was aware of my father crying too hard to manage the words to his favorite hymn. At that moment I felt completely validated with regards to the way others had viewed our relationship. It was abundantly clear that my father wasn’t crying for me, he was crying because of the love he’d lost. The fact that he genuinely loved his non-traditional son-in-law as though he were his own son, and now he’d no longer be able to express that love.
Could validation get any more meaningful or genuine than that?
May 24th, 2005 at 6:40 pm
this sounds disgustingly mush-headed but I’ll say it anyway because I can: Tony, there’s some wonderful guy out there who deserves you…And you deserve the best.
May 24th, 2005 at 7:33 pm
You have written my words and my thoughts. Like you, “I just don’t want to make a big deal about it.” It seems I have a twin, except for the crotch thang, in eastern Tennessee. Thanks, Tony.
May 24th, 2005 at 8:28 pm
I would also have to agree… well, I’m looking for all that in a man too, but I wouldn’t mind having a small commitment ceremony amongst friends and maybe some family… nothing really fancy though =) But hell, if it never happens that way and we just end up living together and not having any kind of ceremony, that’s ok too =) My family’s Catholic, so I DEFINITELY wouldn’t want a big ceremony out of respect to them and my religion
May 24th, 2005 at 8:48 pm
Hey Tony.
I had a wonderful 10 year relationship. About 2 years in, when he and I decided to declare it, we did it playfully. We bought rings and exchanged them just between us, at a nice restaurant. (which happened to be deserted, and a little depressing, We didn’t want THAT much privacy!) Then we had a tiny party of a few close friends, and had a toast, announcing we were a Thing. Then we had a big party, with the invite announcing that we had decided to “garden together” for the long run. No ceremony, which I hate.
Anyway, as always, your endearing style and personality is a pleasure to enjoy, even if I never get to wash your back.
May 24th, 2005 at 9:09 pm
I actually enjoy the thought or perhaps fantasy at this point of having a wedding aka commitment ceremony. Perhaps I am a hopeless romantic, I have always pictures someone special standing before me in a nice suit and I infront of him dressed for the occasional as we exchange wonderfully beautiful words of endless love—Errrrrrt! Then there is reality. It may not ever happen. I like the idea of a storybook ending. So I’m keeping with it and perhaps one day it will happen. So on that note, I hope you find “The One”.
I couldn’t help but imagine myself indulging the aroma of my man’s home cooked meal, a washing in that shower, a head upon a chest on that sofa and in those orange and white colors. =\
May 24th, 2005 at 11:30 pm
Not everyone needs a huge ceremony to declare their commitment. However, we should all have the right do so as you so aptly put it.
I think you’d be surprised how being so totally in love w/someone can make you feel. I don’t miss the ring or the certificate at all. What I do miss is the litte things… laying all over each other on the sofa, early morning nookie, being able to kiss him whenever I want w/o a reason, holding hands, etc. Sometimes, just knowing he was there made it “all better”. Six months later, I still sometimes unconsciously roll over in bed and reach for his warmth.
Unfortunately, love is not always enough in real life. I go on because I love myself and rest secure in the knowledge that I can be the person that I want in someone else. Hang in there Big T, it’ll happen one day when you least expect it.
May 25th, 2005 at 12:55 am
I’ve been with my guy for 11 years now and I have always said that having a marriage was not that important. We know what we mean to each other and having a ceremony isn’t going to change that. But when I’m told that I can’t get married in a country that is founded on freedom of all people, freedom of speech, separation of church and state - well, it just makes me want to do everything I can to legalize gay marriage. If not for me, then for all the gay couples that do want to get married. For me it’s the principle of the thing - if we gays aren’t going to stand up for our rights, then who will?? When heteros get married, they have friends and families behind them, giving them love and support. I bet a lot of gays and lesbians would love to see that same support.
Anyway, I was truly lucky to meet my guy when I was still quite young and I wouldn’t change our experiences together for anything in the world. I wish that for any one that would want it and I hope that you too will find it someday soon. Humans are really all the same in that regard. People want and deserve to find love in whatever way, shape or form it may come. Too bad so many people have such trouble understanding that.
May 25th, 2005 at 7:12 am
I got married in February and despite two huge families pressuring us to have a church wedding, we opted for a very small private ceremony. Only my parents, his sister and my best friend were there. (my son opted not to come to the ceremony and his parents are deceased) The reverand performed the ceremony, which only lasted ten minutes, in front of his fire place in his historic, quaint New England home. We’d already been together for five years, but actually getting married was a feeling I’d never experienced. It sounds mushy but, sometimes when he’s sleeping I still look at him and think “that’s MY husband…” I wish that for you too, Tony. So, someday soon I hope to be pelting you with some virtual rice as you celebrate a union with someone you love with all of your heart. Now, I know there is still the gay marriage issue, and I don’t know when that will be settled, but I know you will be happy to be married one day.
May 25th, 2005 at 12:10 pm
Nice blog Tony. I’ve been with my guy over 11 years now. We’ve never had any ceremony or wedding thing, but when people ask if we’re married, most of our friends reply “they are!”. If civil unions were available and offered the same benefits and rights as marriage, we would probably participate. You’re quite a guy Tony!
Tonka
May 25th, 2005 at 5:09 pm
Maybe your special someone could be brewing you a fine cup of coffee while you enjoy your last 15-20 minutes in bed alone… Two people can always find ways to love eachother.
PS: I have been happily married for 20 years. We had a very small and unconventional wedding. Civil ceremony, only attended by family, I did not wear white, no flowers or photographers… you get the picture (Mom was appalled). It was a really lovely country day that I will never forget. I hope you meet your special someone too.
May 25th, 2005 at 8:29 pm
I almost didn’t leave a comment because all of the other are like novellas. But, since I was already here anyway, let me just say - If you don’t want to wear white, you could always go with a nice ivory.
*
Just a thought.
May 25th, 2005 at 9:56 pm
Let’s call it something different, shall we? When I think of “marriage” I think of the conservative Christian ritual that ensures procreation and proliferation of those very ideals. But let’s not forget that fags & dykes like to dress up pretty every once in a while, too! Call it a “civil union” or a “committment ceremony” (my personal fave), but don’t do what the breeders do and get “married.” Marriage can represent a ball and chain for all I care; a committment ceremony represents bricks & mortar- a foundation on which our lives can grow.
Tony, keep up the intriguing, stimulating, and fascinating writing! Oh, and if you ever need someone to wash you back in the shower, you’ve got my URL!
Keep it up (hard & otherwise), big guy!
May 26th, 2005 at 1:08 am
Society has us thinking that our committed relationships aren’t real unless we put our friends through a snoozer of a ceremony called a wedding. Follow it with bad finger food, cheap sparkling wine and the bunny-hop and it’s official. Yet, on arrival most of the guests start searching for the most discreet exit for an early departure anyway.
Forgive my cynicism but I’ve been a guest or groomsman in more weddings than I can count. And few have lasted “til death do they part”. The marriage wore out quicker than the blender that I gave them. (Sorry Tony but TN has the 4th highest divorce rate of any state. MA has the lowest)
I live in CA which has made progress but is still far from officially recognizing gay marriage. What we (gays) need is some sort of civil union that affords us the same rights & benefits as straight married couples while we are together AND after one is deceased.
Some of my closest (gay) friends are having an elaborate marriage ceremony this summer so i’m trying to control my cynicism on the issue. Fortunately, their eyes will be fixed on each other during the ceremony so they won’t see me rolling mine. But if the bouquet is tossed in my direction, it’ll hit the ground with a thud.