LARGETONY Blog

I know that the story of the woman who alleged that she found a human finger in a bowl of Wendy’s chili is not news. But I want to talk about it. Besides, this is not a news blog and I am not a news reporter. Have you even heard me mention Jeff Gannon? Okay, so now you have. Plus, if you come here for news, you’ll always find yourself disappointed. Don’t forget, I live in the mountains of East Tennesse. We just got word that Dewey won.

So the Wendy’s chili finger lady got arrested because it was all found to be a hoax. She withdrew her threat to sue after Wendy’s opened an internal investigation rather than cave in to her demands and the authorities became suspicious when it was discovered that she has a history of extorting money (or attempting to) from big companies. It took all of that to make the police get curious? How about the fact that nobody in the entire Wendy’s corporation (from the lowliest Frosty pumper all the way up to the ghost of Dave Thomas) reported losing a couple of knuckles.

Could you keep that a secret even if you wanted to?? If your co-workers somehow mistook the soaked rag wrapped around your gushing fist for an old red mitten, or didn’t think twice about the blood encrusted work clothes stuffed in the back of your breakroom locker, then don’t you think that unnatural rabbit-like scream you emitted at the moment your digit was severed be a clue? (On a side note: If you get your finger cut off at work, do you get workman’s comp or “severance” pay? O.K…Stop groaning.) I can’t imagine that you you would just quietly let it pass. You would at least shout some choice four-letter words. Or maybe just a good loud, “Mother fucka!”

Like the worker who really did lose his finger this past weekend at an ice cream place in North Carolina. He did what you do in those cases. He fucking told somebody! Unfortunately the drive-thru window didn’t get the memo in time, and his fingertip went home in a customer’s cone. A note of caution: the next time the person working next to you says, “How many fingers am I holding up?” and your answer is “9 and a half,” then the place better go into lock-down immediately. It turns out the customer thought it was a piece of candy, until he spit it out and rinsed it off. It was no M-n-M’s, bits of Oreo cookie, or chunks of Butterfinger. Just a chunk of finger (”Cuttafinger”: the lost 32nd flavor).

So Wendy’s does an internal investigation. Not only at the particular restuarant location, but also of some packing plant. Among the things employees were subjected to was a lie detector test to determine if anyone was lying about losing a finger. Couldn’t they have saved a lot of time and money by just telling everyong to hold up their hands? Or at the very least get a tip off (pun intended) when they were attaching that sensor that goes on the fingertip. I think they would notice anyone missing something. Okay, for the sake of argument, let’s say there just happened to be two or three employees who were “abbreviated.” Then you just take the offending finger, wipe off the tomato sauce and onions, and see who’s hand the finger fits. Kind of like the end of “Cinderella.” That way, no one who, just by coincidence, had been overzealous with a nail file could be wrongly accused. You know the old saying (about 10 years old now), “If it doesn’t fit, you must aquit.”

This all got a little wierder (and ridiculous) with the introduction of the leopard lady. The leopard lady is a woman in Las Vegas who said that she had lost a bit of a finger when bitten by a leopard she was caring for. The doctors told her that it could not be reattached and she stated that the last place she saw it was packed in ice at the hospital….that is until she saw the Wendy’s finger on TV and recognized it as her own. She recognized her finger???? On TV??? I sometimes get the two Darrins on “Bewitched” mixed up, and she can tell one finger from another?? Well, her credibilty on a scale of 1-10 just hit about a 3. She reported that the hospital lost track of her finger, and the hospital admitted as much. If my finger disappeared from a freezer in a Las Vegas hospital, I don’t think I would be looking at Wendy’s. I’d be checking out the hospital cafeteria.

Further evidence that the chili finger is not that of the leopard lady is that the leopard lady only lost 3/4″ and the prize in the chili bowl was twice as big at 1-1/2″. Credibility scale just dropped to zero. But, I guess it’s an honest mistake on her part. The camera does add pounds, you know. I wouldn’t be surprised to find that the leopard lady is in cahoots with the chili lady. The leopard lady is in Las Vegas, and the chili lady had pulled one of her frivilous law suits on a Vegas restaurant a few years ago. To me, a frat boy getting the clap from a hooker is more of a coincidence.

All this press has hurt Wendy’s sales, apparantly. Yep, even though she dropped the suit. the chili lady fucked Wendy’s. Finger-fucked them. They have had to lay off workers since the decline. People are afraid to eat at Wendy’s now. I don’t understand this line of thinking. Even if there really had been a piece of finger floating like a fleshy jalepeno in a bowl of Wendy’s chili, how likely is it to happen again??? Do people think that a finger in a vat of chili would magically multiply like a cancer cell and spread throught the Wendy’s of the world?? It’s a finger. Not Mad Cow Disease. Besides, new and stringent safety and quality control regualtions would get set in place immediately. Come on, this is capitalism and a fast-food franchise. Not airports and the Office of Homeland Security.

Hmmm….I’m imagining finger alert systems. Code Green (low threat):would be chili free of any human flesh, although there is no promise that flesh that is present is entirely cow. Code Yellow (elevated): a fingernail or knuckle has been discovered. Code Red (severe): an entire fist has been found.

The chili lady has basically finger-fucked herself, too. She is possibly facing jail time for her “handy” work. And now she is trolling for sympathy with this statement made to the press:

“Just knowing that there was a human remain in my mouth…it’s disgusting. It’s tearing me apart inside.”

Tearing her apart inside? Guess that finger needed a manicure.

This entry was posted on Friday, May 6th, 2005 at 3:14 am and is filed under observations. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.