LARGETONY Blog

You all know the age old question, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” Try to answer it and you just end up in a vicious circle. If you say the chicken, then how did it get there without being hatched? If you say the egg, then how did the egg get there without coming from a chicken? Regarding the chicken and the egg, I have a bigger question. Who saw an egg drop out of what is basically the rear of a chicken and decided to eat it? I see an object drop out of something’s back end and putting it in my mouth is the last thing I’m likely to do with it.

This makes me wonder about a lot of things that human’s do. Who did it first and why? I’m not talking about things like inventions. Those things came out of necessity. Except maybe things like, oh… tit clamps. I mean do we really need tit clamps? Were they even created for the purpose of clamping tits? Or were they meant to clamp something else and they got bastardized into sex toys. Look at Crisco. It was designed for baking until some power bottom got a hold of a can. It’s a wonder someone hasn’t taken that a step further and tossed in some flour and baking powder and used the heat of the anus like it was a bread machine. Think about it. It seems to me that if you can bake a cake with a 60-watt light bulb in an Easy-Bake oven, then you could surely whip up a batch of mini muffins inside your next one-night stand. No need to go out for breakfast afterward. But back to the tit clamps. I mean, who first said, “My nipples are just not tender enough. If only I had something to clamp on them.” Were the fingers not good enough? Did he or she have arthritis and couldn’t stand the pain in their hands long enoughto give pain to their tits? Perhaps an amputee?

Even most foods that we eat came about out of necessity (although I must question Funyuns.) But what about all those things that really fall more into the category of fads? Take for example the way that black women who are pissed off are always doing neck rolls. You see it in movies all the time. Modern movies. You see a black woman in an old movie and there’s not a neck roll to be found. But somewhere around 1985 a black woman somewhere did a neck roll to emphasize a point, and another black woman saw it, and now all kinds of black women are doing it. In fact all kinds of women, period, are doing it. (Except white women. Not cause they don’t want to. I just don’t think they can. Every once in a while you see a white girl pull it off, but in most cases they just look like they’re trying to throw a weasel off the tops of their heads.) A few years later the neck roll was claimed by gay men, and they gave it their own twist with the addition of the “snap.” So we’ve had 20 years of neck-rolling and fifteen years of snapping when no one really did it before. You used to snap your fingers because the music was good. You used to roll you neck because…well, I don’t know why you would ever have rolled your neck before. That one is completely original.

And what about saggers? You know. That “thug” look of wearing your jeans down around your ass. Did this evolve from some kid having to wear his older (and larger) brother’s hand-me-down jeans? And when the other kids made fun of him, he claimed it was a choice? And they thought this was a good choice and started doing it too? Maybe he told them that the ladies like it when you’re just about to drop your trousers. I’m not talking about jeans that sit low on your waist (even on your hips). That’s sexy. Especially if the guy has those “Adonis lines”. But when you’re showing a good 4 inches of underwear, rather than a little waistband (again, sexy!) and your pants legs are piled around your ankles, you just look like you have a huge load in your pants. You don’t need to be 15 years old and looking like you need Depends. How sexy is that?

Ultimately it’s not about chickens or eggs. It’s about sheep. People are sheep. Oh, some of them are shepherds. But a whole more are sheep. Just following the crowd. Even when they know better. Maybe saying people are buffalo(s?) is more accurate. Being led over the cliff by the settlers. How else can you explain the need for “don’t try this at home” disclaimers on shows like “Fear Factor” and “Jackass.” These shows do this to keep from being sued. I guess it’s a necessary thing. I know that the first thing I want to do after turning off one of those shows is to drink a cocktail of roaches, worms, and chicken beaks while getting bashed in the crotch with a baseball bat. Who wouldn’t? I wonder if after watching “I Love Lucy” people run out and bake giant loaves of bread and get drunk on cough medicine? O.K. I guess there are people who get drunk on cough medicine, but did they ever try to sue Lucille Ball for it?

Oh, well. I guess there will always be strange fads and oddities in the world. That’s what makes life interesting. And I guess people will always take up things because of (or give blame to) other people. We all have our sheepish side. Except me. I would never do something that thousand of others are doing. Take this blog for example. Is anybody else writing blogs?

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 20th, 2005 at 9:31 am and is filed under observations. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.