Beauty is a Beast
Well, it’s finally happened. Hollywood’s happiest, and most achingly beautiful couple have separated. After four and a half years, camera-seducing Brad Pitt and hair-do pioneer Jennifer Aniston have issued a public statement:
“We would like to announce that after seven years together we have decided to formally separate. For those who follow these sorts of things, we would like to explain that our separation is not the result of any speculation reported by the tabloid media. This decision is the result of much thoughtful consideration.”
Geez, just how famous are you when you have to make an official statement that somebody is packing their bags.
So what is the real cause of the separation/ not yet divorce? I have my ideas:
Theory 1. Think about the timing. Not quite a year ago, “Friends” (The TV equivalent of crack: you try it a couple of times and find yourself hooked, even though you know it’s bad for you.) stopped making new episodes. So Jennifer found herself at home more while waiting for her next movie offer. Brad probably finished “Ocean’s Twelve” about the same time and also found Jennifer at home more (he was probably used to having the house to himself between films.) I’m sure they spent the first couple of weeks being beautiful and doing beautiful things. Never know when paparazzi are around (Remember those tabloid pictures of Brad and his mosquito sized dick. Poor Jennifer.) They took beautiful walks on the beach, bought beautiful produce at roadside markets, took beautiful rides in their convertible at night, and had beautiful sex (and by beautiful I don’t mean good. I mean they probably are both afraid of getting their hair mussed and having mattress imprints on their skin. Never know when paparazzi are about. And that can’t be good. I can’t imagine that if you don’t look like you’ve been put through the wringer afterwards the sex was all that great). But probably around week, three they had time, for the first time in their relationship, to get to know each other and get on each others beautiful nerves. Jennifer was probably sick of Brad’s actor buds always hanging around the house (Jennifer: “Brad, look I can deal with Clooney and the others in small doses, but does Damon have to bring Afleck with him all the time?). And Brad was probably fed up with all the phone calls from Jennifer’s former “Friends” (Message on answering machine: Uh…Jen…it’s, uh…It’s David. David Schwimmer. From “Friends”..uh…just thought I’d see what’s up. And..uh..if you ever need someone for a small part or something in one of your movies…well…uh..you know…’I'll be there for you” …so, did you watch “Joey” last night? . All this, coupled with the constant bickering over which is really the prettiest, just put too much of a strain on things.
Theory 2. Jennifer is still in her “Friends” cycle and this break-up actually coincides with when Rachel would have broken up with Ross for the 112th time.
Theory 3. It’s a publicity stunt because without “Friends,” their names are not in the news nearly enough anymore.
Theory 4. They simply realized what we regular people already know: Beauty, no matter how extreme, is not enough.