LARGETONY Blog

I’ve figured out how I’m going to get rich. Video games are all the rage. X-boxes and GameBoys and stuff like that. Well, I’m going to somehow learn to do more with a computer than send-email and write blogs and develop my own system. It will be called Sex Box or GAYmeBoy and feature games for the gay man (no offense lesbians, I just have no clue as to what goes on with you all–except the obvious) and the first title to be produced will be a game called “BeautyQuest.” It will be an instant hit and be simply referred to as “BQ” by elite gamers. Homosexuals (again, excluding lesbians) everywhere will become so entralled by the idea of cyber-beauty that they will actually become the nerds they are trying avoid being in the first place.

All across America (and Germany) gay men will cease to burn the midnight oil wildly gyrating shirtless to numbingly repetative, thumping, overly-loud club music, and will instead burn the same midnight oil by sitting shirtless in a butt-numbing swivel chair staring into the retina-burning cathode rays of their computer monitors madly working their joysticks (actual joysticks because sex lives will cease to exist and joystick will no longer be needed as a euphamism for the penis) as they struggle in battle against the Evil Lord Carb and his League of Starches to gain 1000 bonus points by securing the magic girdle and therby reach level four with a 28 inch waist.

The ultimate goal of course will be to reach Level 13 (come on, gay men love anything that is 13) having earned popping pecs, bubble butt, protuding package, flawless face, and the obligatory six-pak. There you will be granted desirablity above all others, awarded the Golden Mirror of Dorian Gray, and be named powerful Lord Narcadon (a merging of of Narcissus and Adonis). The game will also contain a cheat (the changing room in the GAP on Level 7 contains a secret passage with access to steroids. Say to the clerk “Does this muscle-T come in XS? The small isn’t tight enough.” Type in the bar code on the shirt tag to open the passage. Warning: this cheat may cause back acne and shriveled gonads).

It’s popularity will be insane! Think about it. Gay men in a quest to be beautiful. For some men it’s what being gay is all about. Forget about that whole having sex with other men part of being gay. That’s old school gay. The new gay is the insanely beautiful gay. The Beauty Quest Gay!

Now don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with trying to look better. Nothing wrong with self-improvement. But the desire for perfection among agy men is sprialing out of control. I’ll admit that I even have to catch myself from falling victim to the beauty quest. Do I want a bigger chest. Yes. Do I want to be better looking. Yes. But I want these things for myself. I’m not wanting the improvements so that I can get laid. Do I want to be desired. Absolutely. Who doesn’t? But I’m not going through workouts just to get someone to tell me I’m desirable. And I have accepted that my “potential beauty” is limited to what I (and my genes) can do myself. I fear that too many gay men get wrapped up becoming what another guy is, rather than the best man he can be. I want a thicker chest and legs. I want a great butt. But becuase I am tall and have naturally broad shoulders, I have to put on a whole lot of extra muscle to really look thick. With my genes, it’s not gonna happen so I’m going to do the best I can with my leaness. I guess I could try to get steroids, but muscles are not worth potential future health issues (plus I like having big balls )

Then there’s the implant route. I can’t believe how meny men are getting into this arena. Doesn’t what we have seen happen to many women scare you enough?? If that doesn’t stop you from considering fake chests and calves and stuff, think about when you hit a certain age and your great store-bought pecs are sitting high on your chest and everything else has fallen around knees. You call that beauty?

Then there’s the plastic surgery on the face. There is no one who would like a different face more than me, given I resemble a close relative of Seabisquit. I could do without a long face and huge nose, but that’s the hand I was dealt. Again, guys, look at what has happened to many women with plastic surgery. And I have to say women’s plastic surgery on the face always looks better than it does on men. I don’t know why, but with men you can ALWAYS tell that they have had work done. The nose is the give-away. You always see these men with little slivers of a nose. I really hate my big ol nose but I’d rather have a big one than a negative one. Also consider that if the surgery didn’t quite turn out the way you wanted, you have to have more surgery to fix it…presuming it will be fixed. Even bread dough, if you work it too much, becomes a disaster. Enter Michael Jackson.

So that’s why BeautyQuest, the game….no BeautyQuest, the Adventure, is the answer. No, it won’t get you laid. But you don’t risk horrible disfigurement either (and that certainly won’t get you laid.).

In fact from what I understand, the truly truly exceptionally beautiful people don’t get laid. I don’t mean just really good looking people. I mean those few dozen or so people who are icons of beauty. They’re not getting any. Everybody is fucking but them. Why? Two main reasons: 1) They are so extraordinary that everyone thinks they are unattainable and therefore no one will approach them. Everyone knows rejection is inevitable. So why bother? What’s the point in asking a Muslim to your barbeque? You’ll only be disappointed.
And if one of the elite attractives actulallyapproaches you, you’ll get so nervous/ excited that you’ll pee your pants. And face it, underwear models don’t fuck people in diapers.
Then number 2) The true way to get laid is to be good at it. Super beauties are wanted by so many people that they don’t have to do anything but show up. And they are so self-absorbed they aren’t gonna do anything for you. It’s all about them…if they even let you touch them. Excruitiating beauty equals a bad lay. And when your a bad lay, word gets around.

So remember that when you’re on your BeautyQuest, whether it be the game/adventure or your real life quest for beauty. All that work to get laid more just might result in you getting laid less. Is it really worth it to go through all effort to be beautiful if ultimately you still won’t get laid and you can’t even have potato chips either?

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 1st, 2004 at 2:37 am and is filed under humor, observations. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.