Without Opposable Thumbs
Remember the old Far Side cartoons? I have two favorites that always come to mind when I think of The Far Side. In fact, as much as I enjoyed the comic, I can only remember these two specific panels. One of them features a bunch of cows sitting around the living room and the phone is ringing and ringing and ringing as they sit there helpless. The caption reads, “And here we sit without opposable thumbs”.
That’s what it was like for Tennessee Vols against Auburn in last night’s football game. It was one of the most embarrassing loses in my memory of football. Nothing went right for Tennessee. Auburn spanked us 34-10. It was supposed to be a close game that could go either way, but Auburn opened the floodgates and poured it on. We couldn’t stop their run. We couldn’t stop them in the air. Our offense just wouldn’t click. It was an evening of mis-fires. Even when Auburn fumbled the ball on the one-yard line (ONE YARD FROM SCORING!) and Tennessee gained possession, Tennessee turned around and fumbled too so that Auburn got posession back (and scored). And then there was the Tennessee almost touchdown but the receiver stepped out of bounds, and then there was the time a receiver dropped a toss when he was wide open and could have run as far as he wanted.
The phone was ringing and there they sat without opposable thumbs.
I’m glad I didn’t go to the game. It would have been unbearable. It’s funny how when you get so far behind in a game and you know there is not enough time left to come back and win, that “not enough time left” seems like FOREVER. You just want it all to end. It’s like you want to get up and tap dance to create a diversion. So people can focues on something else. ANYTHING else. It’s not like boxing where you can just end it all by throwing in the towel. No. You have to sit there and take the brutal beating. That phone is gonna ring until the clock says zero.
As much as Tennessee fans love their football, they will turn on you when you lose. They still love the Vols, but they will let you know they are unhappy. There are call-in programs on the radio after the game where fans call in and ask a panel of experts questions or give their opinions on the the game. Last night, of course, the many of the calls were filled with rage and anger. Somehow it’s always the rednecks who played 2nd string high school football that get through and have the answers. Rarely is it a well-spoken fan who is truly knowledgeable about football.
So, as I listened to people complain about the poor performance of the team and the outrage at the loss, I started thinking “how many of you could have done even as much as those guys did manage to do on the field.” I know I couldn’t. I mean, I’m about the same height and weight as one of the quarterbacks. If someone put a football in my hand and a 300 lbs tackle started after me, I’d panic. Especially with 309,000 people on the premises and MILLIONS watching TV to see what I was going to do.
So imagine what it must feel like when you are 18 years old and you have that pressure. That’s what people forget. Because most of the players (except kickers, quarterbacks, and a few other) are freakishly enourmous bus-sized creatures, people forget they are really still boys. There’s still a lot of mental maturity to develop. We gotta keep perspctive and know that a freshman quarterback is not going to play like a senior and neither of them like a pro.
If we remain patient and support them, they will evolve. And, perhaps, through evolution they will gain opposable thumbs.
But then again, I’m from Tennessee, where 80 years ago they tried to stop the teaching of evolution.