I’m Super, Thanks for Asking
Everybody has been asked one of those questions like, “If you were a wild animal, which would you be?” You know. It’s the kind of question that supposed to make to you take stock of how you see yourself and maybe learn something about yourself in the process. Yet, the very same question can cripple a Miss America contestant with fear because either she can’t decide whether a baby seal qualifies as a wild animal (”but they’re so cute!”) or she doesn’t want to take the gamble on whether the gazelle makes her seem too superficial.
So I got asked one of those questions yesterday. Not the animal one, but if I was one of the Justice League, which would I be? It’s like a United Nations of Superheroes (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, etc.) called the Justice League of America (notice no foriegn superheros in the Justice Leaque.) In fact, ARE there foriegn superheroes?? I guess comic books are a pretty much an American thing. Just like you never see women in the middle east hula-hooping in their berkas (sp?), Nigerian children aren’t concerned with whether Archie is gonna look past the glamor of Veronica and choose ever- faithful Betty or to be his date for the prom. Hell, even Hawaiian women don’t hula-hoop. They just hula. (”What is this hoop you speak of?”–you have to imagine a Hawaiian woman saying that with a scoffing German accent. Your sides will split. Try it. See?) But then, America has sort of survived on ripping some customs from other cultures and turning them into American fads. Look at the futon. Did ancient Japan ever think they would be so responsible for Pier One?
So back to the Justice League, the United Nations of only American Super Heroes. But then, Superman is from another planet (Krypton), so technically he is an alien. BUT he was raised in the heartland of America. And Wonder Woman has roots from the Amazon where she was born (inexplicably with no men around) into a society of super women. BUT she came to American and worked for the U.S. Military under her secret identity, Diana Prince. So, you see how the AMERICAN comic book industry went to lengths to make the non-American heroes more American than the American ones? Look at Batman…reclusive capitalist who’s obsessed with gadgetry…now THAT’S an American.
Do I sound like a conspirasy theorist? An America basher? Rest assured, I am neither. I just like digging into things and seeing what I find, and if some ugly truth is revealed, revel in it!
So I was asked which superhero I would be. (You were wondering when I was gonna get back to this, huh? Like I said before I tend to digress and go off on tangents.) First I had to try to remember who all the Justic League members were. None of them leapt out as someone I identified with so I would have to do it by process of elimination. So who are the members of the Justice League of America?
Aquaman, Batman, The Flash, Green Lantern, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Arrow, Atom, and Hawkman.
Okay…Green Arrow, Atom, and Hawkman are eliminated first because no one knows who the hell they are. I mean when kids have to write essays on their favorite president, who picks John Tyler? John Who???? Exactly. Granted, I have a nose that would befit Hawkman. But Green Arrow had an identity crises trying to mimic both Robin Hood (in dress) and Batman (in lifestyle: he too was a rich playboy with a youth side kick). If the Green Arrow doesn’t know who he wants to be, why would I want to be him? And the Atom..well, he’s small. Do I need to elaborate as to why I don’t identify? These three guys are so lame that I’d rather be WonderWoman than any of them, and I would never pick Wonder Woman…so she’s eliminated too.
Aquaman…pretty useless unless he’s in the water, and Woman had to always take him in her plane if they had a long land trip. I don’t want to be a burden on anybody, so he’s out.
Superman is just too much. Too much to live up to. Too much of a hero. Too much body mass. Just too much. I always wondered how Superman had sex with someone without pulverizing their pelvis. You know that once he’s into it and in the brink of orgasm he’s gonna lose control and just slam as hard as he can. And what of the orgasm?? Wouldn’t his super spooge blow a hole in his partner. Nah, I like sex…wouldn;t want the pressure of super-human sex.
So that leaves Batman and the Green Lantern. Which is sort of good, because they are real people. They don’t have superpowers. Now, they have toys that do super things (the Green Lantern’s ring and Batman’s everything) but they are just humans with no special physical powers. So which one? Well…I think physically I look more like Batman..tall and lean build. Green Lantern is more thickly built and wears nothing but spandex and a mask. But at least the spandex is mostly black. I think I will have to go with Green Lantern cuase he’s all about fighting society’s menaces. Batman is all about revenge, Let’s face it, everything Batman is about stems from seeing his parents murdered. He’s gotta be touched in the head. Plus, I’m not fully convinced he’s not a pedophile. (Look what he makes Robin wear!)
So, if I was a member of the Justice League, I would be the Green Lantern.